How do I tell people I have cancer?

Whether to share the news you have cancer with others or not can be a very personal decision. You're probably not sure what to do or how much to reveal.

Some people with cancer choose to tell their loved ones only; others find it helps to let people they come in regular contact with know about their diagnosis. When people decide to tell others, they may do so for these reasons:

• It's too big and scary to deal with alone
• It lets other people give support
• It gives family and good friends a chance to say how they feel

People who decide not to share their diagnosis have given these reasons for not doing so:

• They're not ready to talk about it
• They're afraid that other people will be scared
• They think other people may not want to be around them
• Saying the words out loud makes the cancer more "real"
• They don't want others to feel sorry for them or change how they treat them

Tips for talking with friends, family, and children about cancer

Many people find it best to be honest with family and friends. By confiding in loved ones, you give them the chance to offer their support. It's true that some of your relatives or friends may not know what to say or do, but most do want to be supportive.

Consider "appointing" a willing family member or friend to be your "press secretary." They can be responsible for regularly letting others know your health status so you can focus on your treatment and recovery.

Many organizations, including Blood Cancer United, provide online communities where you can share information and receive support without being overwhelmed by questions and phone calls. Sending group emails to family and friends is also helpful and efficient.

Many parents with cancer don't want to hide their illness from children in their lives. Children often sense that something's wrong and may be more worried not knowing what's bothering you. They may also blame themselves for doing something wrong. What's more, not being honest denies them the chance to talk to you about how they feel.

If you're having trouble deciding how or if to tell your children, your healthcare team may be able to give you advice. You can also contact an Blood Cancer United Information Specialist (800-955-4572).

When talking with children about cancer:

• Use words and ideas right for your children's ages. Provide them with information at a level that matches their ability to understand.
• Use your children's questions as a guide to what they want to know. Don't be overly concerned about giving too much information. Children, like grownups, stop listening when they've heard enough.
• Encourage your children to talk about their fears and concerns. You may need to give your child the same information more than once.
• Ask someone else to do the talking. There may be times when you feel it would be best for your children to talk with someone other than you. Each family has different needs. Your healthcare team can help you decide whether another adult should talk with your children.
• Ask your children for help. Younger children can make you get well cards or bring you a book. Older children can read to you or do extra chores. Children of any age can keep you company or go for a walk with you.
• Remind your children how much you love them. Explain that even if you're feeling cranky or tired, you still love them and always will. Tell them how proud you are of them. And remember to assure them that it's not their fault you have cancer.

Tips for telling your employer you have cancer

You may not be sure whether it's wise to let your employer know that you have cancer. You may want to seek advice from a professional counselor who understands employment rights for people living with cancer.

Consider telling your employer if:

• You may need time off for treatments or because you don't feel well
• You're eligible to take Family and Medical Leave
• You're applying for a new position

You might be considering not confiding in your employer if:

• You're afraid you won't get a raise or promotion
• You don't want people to feel sorry for you
• You're afraid of losing your job

If your company has an employee assistance program (EAP), you may want to take advantage of it. The EAP counselors can help you deal with personal problems that could affect work and your overall well-being. EAP services are private and confidential.

The Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) requires employers with 50 or more employees to give eligible workers up to 12 weeks of time off without pay during any 12-month period. Employees are eligible if they’ve worked at least 1,250 hours during the 12-month period immediately before the start of the leave.

People with cancer are protected from job discrimination or job loss by two federal laws:

• The Federal Rehabilitation Act helps ensure equal chances for work for people with cancer and other disabilities
• The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) mandates that employers with 15 or more workers can't treat employees differently because they have cancer or need time off to care for a spouse with cancer. Visit www.ada.gov for more information. 

Learn more about the employment rights of cancer survivors and caregivers.